The Terrible Truth About Ants

Yeah, we all hate ’em. I’ve used so many of those little ant traps this year I should be a stock holder. But just yesterday I discovered the little creatures are more dangerous, more deadly than I thought.
After months of battling their invasions, I decided that reasoning with them might work better than just waging constant war. I trapped one and told it to tell the Queen I wanted to parlay. The Queen, as it happened, was too busy doing Queenly things, but she did send an emissary, a top assistant associate advisor on human affairs, I believe was his title.
I began by expressing to this fellow that I really didn’t want to hurt any of them. Outside, I told him, I always go out of my way to avoid hurting, or even bothering them. He seemed very optimistic at hearing this, and I was encouraged that we might work out some sort of agreement on respecting our respective inside and outside territories.
We set about hammering out details of the agreement. The little insect was quite erudite, and exhibited a keen sense of humor, though to be honest I didn’t get some of his jokes. I was charmed by his urbanity and quite engrossed in our discussion. That was when I made my awful discovery.
We had been negotiating, very successfully I thought, for an hour or so when something— a sixth sense perhaps— prompted me to turn around. I recoiled in shock and horror.
While the little creature had held my attention, his villainous compatriots had been busily emptying my cupboards. Not only that, they had swarmed over the cat dishes and completely removed them. As I turned, I saw a horde of them swarming over a small chair, trying to get it out the door.
The heinous evil little pirates were literally endeavoring to steal everything of value under the deceit of a fake diplomacy. Worse, an even greater number was fashioning some kind of net that could only be intended to capture me and drag me away to an awful fate.
It was only through quick, cat-like reflexes that I managed to get to the ant spray and fight my way out of the situation, leaving piles of tiny black bodies strewn everywhere my eye looked. As I stood, shaken, and gazed upon the carnage and reflected upon the gleeful, lying, treachery that had almost done me in, I realized the true evil that lies within the hearts of these creatures.
They are Republicans.

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