20 Rules for Surviving Halloween

Provided free of charge by the

Agency Governing Humanely Horrific Haunted Halloweens

  1. Don’t go anywhere alone.  In fact, don’t go anywhere.
  2. If you must insist on leaving the safety of your house, go with a large group. The more of you there are, the better the chance be a survivor, not a bloody memory.
  3. But if you are determined to leave your house by yourself, at least be prepared.  Practice screaming. You should also carry the following: a loud whistle or digital screech alarm, a large crucifix, a string of garlic worn around your neck, four cans of pepper spray; a police baton, a taser; a handgun, a shotgun, a machine gun. You might want to consider a hand grenade or two. Rear running shoes, and take time to practice running without falling down. Whatever you do, avoid all old, abandoned buildings, especially asylums, schools, hospitals, prisons, any building more than one story tall, and filling stations.  And if you’re even considering going to a graveyard, there’s no point in reading further. Just kneel inside the entrance, stretch your arms out, and yell “Take me!”
  4. While you’re out there, be alert. Trust no one. If you see a clown, spray it. If it turns out to be some idiot in a clown costume, they should have known better. Stay in the light. Generously spray shadowy areas with the pepper spray. If you are approached by an eighteen-inch tall, sneering doll, anybody wearing a Scream mask, a hockey mask, a Hannibal Lector mask, or a burlap mask and carrying a knife or chain saw, turn and run. Run as fast as you can. And come to think of it, leave all of the guns at home.  You’ll just panic and drop all but one of the bullets and then miss with that one shot anyway. Leave the hand grenades too.  You’ll shake, drop the pin, drop the grenade, won’t be able to find it in the dark, and then . . .well,  just leave them at home.
  5. Do NOT stand your ground. You have to run. It’s expected.  While you’re running, remember this. Do. Not. Trip. You should know, too, running won’t  do any good. You’ll run, exhausting yourself. Meanwhile, your pursuers will walk, stumble and fall, stop for a sandwich, take time to sharpen their knife, or chainsaw, pause to take pictures. Oh, you’ll put a mile or two between you, but whenever you stop running, they’ll be there waiting for you. It’s a rule. On second thought, forget the running. Break the rules. Stare right at them, raise your arms to the sky, and yell as loudly as possible, “Look behind you! It’s Elvira!”
  6. If you’re smart you’ve decided by now to stay home, where it’s comparatively safe. DON’T EVEN DO THAT ALONE. Invite a friend over. Several friends are better. Rule 2 still applies. But there are things you must remember.
  7. Make sure all of your friends know the deadline for arriving.
  8. Turn on all the lights in the house. That’s all the lights. This is no time to conserve electricity.
  9. As soon as the deadline for arriving guests has passed, lock your doors. Front, back, lock them both. From this point forward, do not open those doors for any reason. Ignore knocking. Late arrivals are on their own. If you look through the peep hole and see a friend, don’t be fooled. Halloween monsters wear costumes too, you know. Pay no attention to children chanting “Trick or Treat.” Some ghouls are shape shifters. And now that you think you’re safe in your locked house, remember these rules.
  10. Don’t have wild sex. Those people are always the first to die.
  11. Avoid drugs and drinking. Those are the next to go.
  12. Ignore all outside noises like car crashes, wild running and yelling, sirens, evil chants and screams. Make a special point of ignoring those screams. Their serial killer is their problem.
  13. A special caution is in order here. Pay no attention to any pounding on your doors or windows accompanied by terrified calls of “Help me! Let me in! Help me please!” Bloody horrified faces clawing at your windows pleading to come in will not be bothersome if you close the drapes and blinds.
  14. If your friend heads for the kitchen and says he or she will be right back . . . they won’t. Do NOT go looking for them. Wait five minutes, then board up the entrance to the kitchen.
  15. Do. not. check. out. that. strange. sound. And there will be strange sounds. Where?  Everywhere of course. Be particularly careful not to investigate children’s laughing voices that seem to move around.
  16. Do NOT look under your bed or in your closet, no matter what. Do. Not. Do. It.
  17. If a bat is bumping against your window, point your crucifix straight at the window, hold onto the string of garlic tied around your neck, and yell three times loudly, “You are NOT invited in!” You say you don’t have a crucifix? Well. May the dumb be with you.
  18. Don’t answer the phone, no matter how many times it rings, If it’s someone in the family calling for help, they should have picked a better time. Don’t they know you’re trying to survive?
  19. Ignore all ghostly voices. ESPECIALLY if they are right behind you. This will be easier if you watch the DVD of “It’s a Wonderful Life” with the sound turned up high. Excuse me? You wanted to watch a horror film? On Halloween night? Are you nuts?
  20. Do NOT look for friends who disappear. Save yourself. When you’re the only left, there’s only one sure-fire, guaranteed way to survive the rest of the night. Dash to your bedroom, put on your Winnie the Pooh jammies, climb into bed, and pull the covers up over your head. That always works.
  21. You’re welcome. Happy Halloween.